- A Narrative Introduction
Football, card games, and intimate relations; the trinity of what most conversations between men in our communities revolve around. Three topics that every man claims to be an expert in; after all, everyone here is an expert in football techniques, certainly they are all professionals in all card games, and most of all, all of them –and I mean every single one of them— is an expert in sexual matters!
I still vividly recall the details of a summer night a few years back, at a friend’s gathering. I had finally gotten the upper hand and got my turn on the gaming console in our usual football matches when one of our friends arrived at the gathering, having just returned from his honeymoon recently. He came in waving his hands and grinning, like he was longing for the good old bachelor days, and we warmly greeted him with hugs and cups of Arabic coffee, before the questions started raining down on him just as my opponent and I fixed our attention on the screen to start our football match.
During the first half of the game, there were questions about the details of the honeymoon trip; usual questions ranging from the weather and atmosphere in the country he visited with his bride, the treatment of its people, and whether they respected Muslim tourists or not. But as the second half began, their questions drifted into a whole new direction, and they headed towards the area of everyone’s topic of expertise; sex.
- Do Not Raise Your Expectations
At that moment I was comfortable in the lead with [2-0] which allowed me to listen to the ongoing conversation without any preoccupation; the new groom was asked about his first sexual experience on the wedding night, and his response to the question was shocking and shattered all their expectations: “Do not raise your expectations.” He was met with booing and mocking from every direction but that did not stop him, so he continued with his advice and began listing out several products that could be used to ease and alleviate what seemed to be an unpleasant sexual experience. Something went wrong during the experience, but he did not know exactly what it was.
Suddenly the gap between me and my opponent became narrower when he scored a goal [2-1] then paused to make some tactical changes to his team of players. I took advantage of this break and turned to the groom to hastily explain a basic concept in human biology: which is that both male and female reproductive organs are anatomically prepared — (through blood circulation) — and physiologically prepared — (through the body’s natural lubricating secretions) — to ease the process of sexual intercourse. I added that this physical harmony requires a great deal of mental and psychological preparation. It is a biological programming that has evolved through the ages, leveraging mankind’s priorities when it comes to survival and reproduction (first and foremost, protecting one’s self and surroundings, and secondly, to reproduce through sexual intercourse.) All of that means that these feelings that we have, linked to danger and fear of extinction, work against our bodies’ natural mechanism of sexual preparation, because the survival instincts have the upper hand in the equation and thus take control over our bodies and emotions, for example; the blood that would pump and circulate towards the reproductive organs changes course and heads to the emergency organs that would enable the person to get rid of their fear and anxieties (like the brain, the heart, and the muscular system.)
Everyone in the gathering understood the meaning behind this piece of information; and it is that the fear of the wedding night and the stress over the first sexual experience could stem from the sexual preparation mechanisms for both parties. This could be due to various reasons, some related to cultural and societal concepts and misunderstandings about sexuality for both males and females as ‘a burden for the men to prove their masculinity in association to their fantasies and perceptions of the wedding night’ and ‘the burden of proving the female’s virginity through the misconceptions that people have about the hymen’ as well as other psychological burdens like ‘partner shyness’ or ‘body image issues’ and ‘first night phobias,’ among many other things, which creates a state of stress, nervousness, and shyness that halts the romanticism and pleasure of the moment.
“Well, what should we do in that case?” one of the guys asked.
The groom responded confidently, stressing that his personal experience is the ‘ideal example’ to follow: “use the products that I’ve mentioned, it makes everything easier, and reduces any pain that might occur.”
The same friend that asked the question turned to me, seeking an alternate opinion: “What do you think Doctor?”
With my eyes glued to the screen, I answered him “intimacy does not necessarily mean sex. There are dozens of activities through which you can express your intimacy to your life partner without having to take your clothes off. The best of which is for the husband to be considerate of his wife and her psychological preparation.”
The groom did not appear pleased with my answer: “If husbands waited for their wives to initiate, then no one in the world would ever have sexual intercourse.”
I asked him: “How did you reach that conclusion?”
He answered: “Well, women don’t enjoy sex as much as we men do, so what would push them to initiate?”
Here lies one of the biggest sexual misconceptions: men have an active libido as opposed to women, who are inactive sexually. This misconception puts both parties on opposite ends, where the husband is always the proactive initiating party, and the wife is always on the receiving end, passive and stagnant.
- The Lack of Sexual Awareness Crisis
The biggest issue resulting from this misconception is removing the wife as an active participant in sex, which insinuates that her enjoyment is not important. If we look at it from that perspective, then sex becomes pleasurable for the man, and a mere task for the woman; making the session end when the man reaches his climax, completely ignoring the wife’s needs. In the long run, this results in a deep frustration on many levels: sexual, psychological, and physical.
Another problematic aspect threatens the safety of women in this imbalanced equation that forces them to perceive sexual activity as a job: the wife’s fate is measured based on how well she performs in her ‘job’ to pleasure her husband and her ability to bear his children. This makes her vulnerable to forms of sexual abuse such as ‘spousal rape’ when she refuses to engage, emotional harm resulting from ‘infidelity’ if she does not satisfy his desires, and even mental and physical harm such as ‘forced childbearing’ against her wishes. All these problematic behaviors are justified with social concepts that are ignorant when it comes to female sexuality. Therefore, if these misconceptions are corrected, women will be able to regain ownership of their bodies and their right to consent to marital relationships.
But the ignorance regarding women’s sexual enjoyment does not stop there but goes beyond and delves into the subject of morality. Not only does the male perception marginalize women and pushes them aside as passive participators, but it also morally restricts women outside of their biological nature, making it unacceptable and immoral for women to have any sexual preferences. So, if a woman asks her husband to perform her sexual fantasies (such as different positions and/or tools) then this can open a door to questioning her morally for thinking of such things.
This is again due to the misconceptions regarding the definitions of sexual identity and moral depravity, which create endless contradictions within the individual, seeking intimate relationships and rejecting them, even if it was within the legal framework of marital relationships. Thanks to the fact that the power imbalance always leans towards the man’s advantage, he has become the one that sets the moral guidelines and requirements for women’s sexuality, without subjecting himself to them. From that point onwards, infidelity and extramarital relationships are justified. We see that men want their wives to play the role of the caring mother figure, naïve to all things sexual, whereas he allows himself to live out his sexual fantasies wildly. And because the man fools himself into believing that these two roles contradict one another — which is untrue — he gives himself excuses to satisfy his needs with other women.
Here lies the importance of sexual awareness in dismantling these misconceptions while considering the necessary religious and health aspects. Knowledge is what reveals the appropriate intimate dynamics between spouses. These dynamics work based on understanding one another’s sexuality, preferences, and needs, and then satisfying them to please both parties and ensure their physical and psychological safety without any negative judgement. This should all be behind closed doors in safe spaces that allow both husband and wife to be freed by separating their sexual roles inside the bedroom from their societal roles outside the bedroom, creating a broad prospect of what they can do and enjoy sexually. This separation between the sexual and the societal role (husband/father and wife/mother) or even their professional roles (husband/sheikh and wife/doctor) serves to avoid all sorts of embarrassments regarding the varied sexual activities, strengthening the intimacy between spouses.
There were only a few minutes left till the end of the match when a nosy friend asked: “Okay then, should we raise or lower our expectations?”
When I answered him, the stress I felt from the immense pressure against my team in the game was evident in my tone of voice: “There is no unified answer to this question, your expectations solely depend on the level of intimacy between you and your spouse.”
He responded: “So that means that each couple has different expectations depending on what both parties consent to in the relationship.”
“Exactly.” I spoke without much thought.
- Does “Sex Positivity” Clash with Conservative Values?
“Do you not see how these sex positive ideologies contradict with our societal values?” the groom asked.
Upon hearing his question, my mind immediately started wandering in search of an answer, which distracted me from my football match in its most heated moments; and so, in the blink of an eye, my opponent broke through my defenses and scored his tying goal for a score of [2-2] in the overtime.
My opponent rose to his feet and jumped in ecstasy, while I pretended like I did not care about the defeat and answered the groom’s question: “This is an ancient concept, and it has been constantly changed and rephrased over the years until its definition changed and its contents began to contradict. We are not obligated to import these concepts as they come from cultures that clash with our own, but on the contrary, we have the right to a concept of positive sexuality that is in line with our values. This is where the role of some organizations come into play to educate people and form a sexually educated culture; a culture that is urgently needed now more than ever.”
“Urgently needed? You are exaggerating!” The groom frowned in disagreement.
I turned back to the screen to prepare for the extra time. “The traditionally negative view of sexuality has always limited awareness when it comes to reproduction, but a positive view broadens those horizons to include everything about gender and sexuality in our human identity, like accepting our body image, protecting our bodies, understanding sexual harassment and how to counter it, and guiding the younger generations to the right path.”
We should not overlook the harm that the lack of awareness can cause to the upcoming generations in their teenage years and adolescence, especially since we are fully aware that they embark on their own journeys of exploration through the web (from explicit scenes in movies, to violent gore on the deep web.)
In the dark confusing shadows of their hormonal transformations and growth, there is an existential crisis due to the changes they experience both physically and mentally. They are overcome with intense emotions and feelings of guilt towards their sexual curiosity, until it reaches a stage of indifference or self-loathing. They search in hopes of defining their desires and soothing their confusing feelings; and while some of them return with answers, others fall victim to shocks and traumas that cause a lasting effect on their sexual and emotional life.
The hard to swallow truth is that sex positivity is important— essential even, to maintain the individual’s safety and integrity as a member in marital, familial, and social relationships. Awareness is not limited to understanding sex, it is also about understanding oneself, and no human can lead a healthy and functional life without this understanding of their own being.
- Conclusion
I made my final adjustments to the team and began playing during the extra time, making use of all the players on the football field. I knew that my only hope of winning was dependent on scoring the winning goal once and for all in these last minutes before the penalty kicks. Minute after minute passed, and I wasted one kick after the other, and one offense after the other, until the referee’s whistle blew to indicate the end of the round. As usual, the penalty kicks were not in my favor; I lost the match.
My opponent got up and mocked me sarcastically: “You should have focused on the game instead of all this sex talk! Who here doesn’t know how to have sex?”
Exactly. Aren’t we all natural experts when it comes to sexuality matters?
T1681
